Change Is A Com'n

One night, when I was ten, I went to my mom and dad's room. My mom was crying and maybe my dad too. They just found out that my dad got the job he was hoping to get and they were both elated. I did not realize, at that moment, that my father's new job was going to take me away from all I have ever known. We were going to leave the only home I've known, my grandparents, my aunties and uncles and cousins. We were going to Arizona.

I remember sitting in Mrs. Ono's 5th grade class a couple of days after we found out we were moving. She brought down the big pull out map of the United States and asked if anyone knew where Arizona was. I didn't have a clue. I thought it was another country, it felt like another country a whole ocean away. Hawaii all of a sudden seemed so very small. A speck on the map. I was off to this alien desert where there were cactus and snakes and hot hot weather. I don't remember being mad or upset that we were leaving our home. I was up for the adventure and for something new. I wasn't afraid of making new friends, or the possibility of not making friends. I wasn't afraid I wasn't going to fit in the new school or that I wouldn't like our new neighborhood. It was a comfort to know that we were all going to Arizona, my brothers, my mother and father and that was enough. We were going to be together.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, my husband and I and our four children are living with my parents. The move was hard. The hardest thing we have had to do since getting married. My husband says the bank screwed us, and I have to agree so we are here for a short while.

It is a little ironic that my oldest is ten years old and we moved into my mom and dad's house in October, which is exactly when my family moved to Arizona from Hawaii, and she is going to the same school I went to. She was also taken from the only home she has ever known, the only school she has ever known and with it all the people who love and care about her. However, we moved down the street, not an ocean away but none the less, she is upset and is not at all up for the adventure.

So now I wonder, why was my attitude different when I had to move to Arizona? I think it is because my comfort zone was my family, my mom and dad and my two brothers. My house and school is not what made me feel safe, it was my family. I am afraid I did not teach Kiley what my mother and father taught me. I did not teach her that change is inevitable, that no matter what you plan for your life, it will not always turn out how you want it to. I did not teach her that her family and the love we have for her is constant and is one of the the only things in her life that will never change. I am afraid I have failed miserably and I have been trying to help her see that a house is just walls and doors and windows. It is who's inside the house that matter most. The change has been so very hard on her. I know she knows that we love her and I know she loves her dad and me and her brother and sisters, but her little world has crumbled and she is not quite sure how to move on.

Today, I find myself not knowing how to move on either. I don't know where to go from here, and maybe that is why my 10 year old can't move on either. My life had some direction before we moved. I was very involved in the PTA. My calling kept me busy at church. Being the compassionate service leader there was always a steady stream of pregnant ladies to keep track of. I was busy busing kids around here and there. I was in a groove. I knew my surroundings so well, I loved knowing what to expect when I woke up. I loved that I knew just about every teacher at the kids school, and loved that they knew me and my kids. I love saying that our family was the "old timers" of the ward. The ward was full of newlyweds and first time parents. They came to our ward for school and left after a couple of years. I would look at them on their first Sunday in our ward and marvel at their bright eyes and eagerness. They were just waiting to start their new lives as newly marrieds and whatever medical field they were studying. I often wondered if my eyes were as bright...but we stayed and they just move on. We stayed for 12 years. It was our home, our comfort zone the place we felt the most safe. Our plan was to stay. Stay forever. I have learned that the life you plan for yourself may not stay the plan. Duh!

Someone once told me if I can't be happy in our little 3 bedroom, 1200 square foot home, I'm not going to be happy in a 10 bedroom home. That has stuck in my brain ever since. I jokingly used to say that I was the little old woman who lived in a shoe. Poor Maggie had to sleep in a pack n play instead of a crib, under Ty's loft bed, all because there wasn't enough space in the bedroom. I hope she won't remember that. I'm sure she'll need counceling because of it. Kiley and Jessey were in bunk beds and that was ok, but there is never ever enough room for girl clothes! I used to dream about a bigger house. But, we make our own happiness right? The moment I decided I was happy in our little house, that was the moment we decided we wanted to stay. Then the very next moment we were booted out. Our house was tiny, but we were happy. Do you think because I learned to be happy in our 3 bedroom house, someone will see to it that I can have the opportunity be happy in a 10 bedroom house? If only life worked that way. Wouldn't it be great?!

We make our own happiness. That's the line I'm selling Kiley these days. It has become an almost daily pep talk with her. She has been having some issues with classmates lately, and I say to her, "Try to do something kind for them". I tell her to do something simple like smile at them, or say hello. She has found it has made a difference and I am so grateful. She needs the assurance right now to not only know that she can make a difference in some eles' life, but she is in charge of her happiness and she can't let others determine her happiness. Plus she needs to know that mom is right!

If I have all of this great advice to give to my daughter, why can't I do the same? Sometimes it's easy to say and not so easy to do. Why can't I be the 10 year old I was 25 years ago? The little girl who stepped off the plane and ready to start a new adventure and life, with her mom and dad and two brothers. I am afraid and feel unsure of what our future is. I am afraid we will be at my mom and dad's house long enough for Russ and I to kill eachother. I am afraid my parents will kill us first. I am afraid we will never find another house of our own, that will be as great as our first home.

Through all of this...whatever it is that our family is going through, I have decided that happiness is work. We have to work to be happy. Sometimes it is so easy to chose to be unhappy. Why is that? It's easy to throw your self a pitty party. It's easy to be judgmental of someone else, especially if it makes you feel better. It's easy to pick a fight with a loved one. It's easier to not forgive. Deciding to be happy takes effort and may even require you to venture out of your comfort zone. You might have to feel uncomfortable, you might have to be the real you. You might have to be humble and realize that your life is not all that bad. Sure you don't have a house of your own right now, but at least you have a roof over your head and you are deffinatly not wanting for food, and what a wonderful blessing it is that your parents love you enough to let you live with them. That is what I tell myself everyday...I'm starting to believe it.

Why does everything good take effort? Making a good chocolate cake...effort. Getting good grades in school...effort. Raising good kids...effort. Going to the celestial kingdom...effort. ugh!

So now I say to myself, "If I can't be happy in my tiny pink bedroom from childhood, then I am not going to be happy in my future 10 bedroom house. I am glad change is inevitable. It gives me hope for our little family, to know that there is a plan for us, and thank goodness I'm not in charge of that plan. We would all probably end up on a goat farm in Tenessee (I did think about a goat farm for 15 minutes or so. I was starting to feel desperate.) I will leave it in the hands of someone who is much wiser than I, and I am so grateful that I can.